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The three topics that lead to the most debate are, according to latest popular Newsvine opinion:
- Politics;
- Religion; &
- Sports.
Today, we're going to talk about #1, everyone's favorite: Politics.
In order to have a solid argument supporting your talking points, you must ignore any salient point in the conversation to date. After all, Get Smarter Here is just a tagline—the idea that you could learn a little something instead of immediately frothing at the mouth when someone mentions Pelosi or Limbaugh is just plain silly.
While a hit and run attack to the effect of "so-and-so has fetal alcohol syndrome" is always fun, but you'll often find your comments deleted as COH violations. Pesky, that! (As an aside: if your comment is deleted, the best course of action is to complain about Freedom of Speech, invoke the Bill of Rights, quote Jefferson, and threaten a lawsuit.)
To aid you in crafting longer, more acceptable comments, I hereby present the How To Argue (HTA) list, now with examples!
1. Ignore all points.
You can't be bothered to read a well-formed argument, so don't! Pick up one or two words and run with them. Ignore all subsequent comments or repeat the contextual selection. (Required Reading: Straw Man and Slippery Slope.)
Corollary: Highlight a Minor Point
Politicians use this all the time. Every time you hear something like, "John Doe voted to prosecute rape victims," it usually means an interpreted reading of one line in an otherwise-unrelated bill about interstate commerce. Your lesson? Nitpick!
2. Step through at least three degrees of separation
You want your arguments to follow this general pattern: "A implies B implies C implies 'sweeping statement'—QED." Bonus points if you apply HTA#8 here: call pro-lifers "religious zealots" and pro-choicers "pro-abortion". Example: Barack Obama knows Bill Ayers, and Bill Ayers is a terrorist, so therefore Obama is a Muslim1 terrorist.
3. Attack the messenger
Do you know the old adage, "Don't shoot the messenger?" @!$%# that; shoot him. Example: The Wall Street Journal? That's just a front for Rupert Murdoch's right-wing shadow organization!" (Other fun examples include Fox News and The Huffington Post.)
Proof: Polls Are Worthless
This is more of a proof: you cannot mention poll results on Newsvine without someone painting the poll as biased, confusing, narrow, or statistically insignificant—and then dismissing any findings out of hand. Your lesson: even numbers aren't sacred.
4. Three words: nursery school rhyming
Why say "Republicans" when you can say "Rethuglicans." If it rhymes, it shines. That's my motto. Important: Don't point out your rhyme. Just use it in normal conversation.
5. Wrap yourself in the American flag
If it's good enough for McCarthy, it's good enough for you. After all, if the other sides hates America, they don't have a leg to stand on.
6. Invoke oft-maligned organizations
May include: ACORN, Wall Street, Big Tobacco, Exxon, Congress. This works well in relation to HTA#2.
7. Paint a group as "against" improvement or reform
No one likes a stick in the mud, so make sure to point out how your opponent wants things to remain the same—or better: regress. Example: Millions of babies are killed every year, and not only does Joe think that's OK, he wants to kill MORE babies!
8. Namecalling
You have to be careful not to violate the COH on this one, so I suggest twisting normal words like "neocon," "hippy," or "zealot" to your purposes. "Zionist" and "elitist" tend to ruffle the correct feathers as well.
9. Suggest of lower intelligence
This one goes without saying: you're the beacon of rational thought in a sea of idiocy, so shine! Be sure to link to studies that suggest that Libertarians have the cumulative IQ of a pine two-by-four.
10. Be Sarcastic
Examples:
- The Iraq War? Spectacular idea!
- 9/11? Yeah, sure, terrorists did it.
- Great detective work there, Sherlock!
11. Invoke the "sheeple" principle
This goes nicely with HTA#9. It's also fun to make sweeping statements like, "All conservatives listen to Hannity." Tell people to wake up and pay attention. Offering some peyote may help "clear the mind," but you probably don't want to share with those mouth-breathers.
Shining Example: Kool-Aid
The other side is drinking it.
12. And if all else fails, mention GWB or Hitler.
After all, they're the same person right? Conversely, point out someone's usage of either and call them retarded sheeple.
IN CONCLUSION
I hope we've all learned something here today. Just remember HTA#1-12 and you'll be well on your way to turning all of Newsvine into a namecalling flamewar—just like the rest of the internet!
1: Why Muslim? WHY NOT!?
